London, or, Fear of Happy


Night London Panorama with Full Moon © by Dimitry B

I’m going to London for a month.

I’ve got to turn in a script first, then I’m going. Because I can. Because this is the kind of thing I always fantasized about as a child – this is what I thought my life would be like. And so far, for the most part, it hasn’t been.

But something big shifted inside me this year. Maybe it was that I got so sick – (I’m feeling a lot better now, thanks to some good doctors and a ton of work on my part) – but all of a sudden I just got on a really gut level how important it was for me to make myself happy. How, if I don’t do it now, no one will do it for me. How I can’t just wait for it to happen.

Even a few months ago I would have laughed at the idea of *me* leaving L.A. for a month. But what if I miss something amazing! I never would have done it.

But then I got really sick – and felt really alone – and suddenly the prospect of missing something amazing in L.A. felt a hell of a lot less scary than the thought of missing my entire life – the thought that if I didn’t do something drastic, now, I might never have the kind of life I always just assumed would be mine.

Believe me – I know it’s not possible for everyone to just leave town on an impulsive whim. But I think it’s more possible than you might think. I used money as the excuse for far too long – telling myself “you can start doing what you want when you have more money.” But I think that’s an excuse, because at a very deep level I needed to not move forward. I’m trying to figure out where that need came from – possibly knowing that my father would reject me if I did pretty much anything to benefit myself or make myself happy?

But my father has already rejected me, countless horrible times. So why does this childish voice inside me keep insisting that if we just do it better this time, it will be different? If we just freeze and stay needy and stop growing, he’ll have no reason to be upset.

So I’m going to London.

And my question is – what’s your London? And why aren’t you going?


I’m reading
Great mystery novelist.



  • Julie Bush: Story: London, or, Fear of Happy

  • My London is… erm, London.

    I’m in LA for 2 weeks in September and then I’m back. Feel free to give me a shout if you want to grab a coffee while you’re here. Or there.

    • I’d love to! I’ll be there starting Sep. 23 —
      You can reach me at julie AT ….
      Look forward to it ….

  • RT @julie_bush: London, or, Fear of Happy

  • My London… Well, I’ve never been to The UK or Europe or Australia. I suppose I still have several “Londons” to visit. there are many places I want to go to and just haven’t gotten to them yet. I will eventually when the pendulum swings back around I will have been there and back again a “Twisted Shadow’s” Holiday(to borrow from J. R. R. Tolkien, sort of lol)

    • Maybe your “London” is winning the SOA contest! That really is so cool. I’m glad to hear it.
      X Julie

      • twistedshadow

        I still hope to be able to meet up with you and chat for a bit if time allows and of course if  you aren’t already in  London! Yes, winning this SOA trip is definitely very high on my list of places to be able to visit.!
        Hope to see you there! oh, and lots of pics from London when you do go!!!!

        XOXO Mark

        • Do you know the dates you’ll be here yet?

          • twistedshadow

            I believe it is supposed to be the week of thanksgiving. bu the also said we would be watching 410 wich comes up about November 8th. this is of course barring in interuption in the schedule. I an so anxious about this trip. It’sgoing to be kindof like going home. I was 12 when my folks moved from Escondido, CA to  BFE, Arkansas.

            Anyway, the week of Thanksgiving should be 412. Again this assumes the show airs every tuesday with out a break. I sooo hope that I will get the chance to meet you but if you are already in London… well, maybe another opportunity will arise.
            I’m sorry I can’t go to London with you(like you were gonna take me anyway, rofl) I never bothered to acquire a passport. Still waiting for Kurts poeple to contact me to confirm the details and verything. I’m impatient at times.
            I hope things are going well for you!!!



  • RT @julie_bush: London, or, Fear of Happy I hope you have a great trip!! if you take me with you I'll carry your bags!!!